Just Go
by RantaruHoshi21
Summary: Heero muses about his life and what he's become. Rated for language and situation


**Disclaimer:** I do not claim to own Gundam Wing. Its owned by Bandai, Sunrise, and the Sotsu Agency. I do not claim to own the song "Just Go" either. It's Staind's song. Not mine. So don't sue me. I've got nothing you can have.. well, except maybe a pencil...no wait.. I need that... nope.. I don't have anything for you to take.. ^^; 

Lyrics: _//lyrics//_ Thoughts: '_thoughts_' 

  
  


**_Just Go_**

  
  
_//I'm kinda numb   
It's so distorted//_

  
He stared blankly in front of him, gripping the controls tightly. His body was numb. His mind was numb. He couldn't feel anymore 

  
_//You left me here with the damage that you've caused..//_

  
Dr. J appeared on the monitor in front of Heero. He blinked at the monitor, his mind registering the old man's words; his ears unwilling to hear the droning voice. 

"Mission accepted." It was a reflex. Hear a mission: instinctively complete it. He was the Perfect Soldier. He was not even sure if he was human anymore... 

It was J's fault. It was Dr. J who had made him like this. All the painful, rigorous training, all to be the perfect soldier, all to fight the battle, all to keep the peace. 

  
_//My tortured faces   
I've fucked up places   
In my memories none of them lost//_

  
The memories of bases exploding. The intense explosion. The blinding fire. The undeniable heat. That little girl and her dog. All of the innocent lives...taken.. without a second thought. It flashes through his mind every second, of everyday. The memories never go away, never give him the tranquillity he so requires; needs. 

...and its all done to keep the peace. 

Number one rule: Don't get emotional. Don't show weakness. 

He knows he's doing both. He cant help it. It overburdens him. But soon, the stress, and overwhelming.. will all go away. The numbness will overtake him...and he will just become a puppet. A mindless puppet used for the sole purposes of fighting for the peace; keeping the peace. 

  
_//It's kinda sick   
I feel so dirty//_

  
His mind did a scan of his current mission: destroy civilian base. 

More innocent lives to be taken away. 

A tremor ran through his body as a sick feeling twisted at his stomach. He let go of the controls and stared at his hands intently. His bloodstained hands are unworthy of keeping the peace. 

The goddamned peace... 

  
_//I'm kinda tragic, kinda insecure   
But I know that I'm the only   
One that can fix whatever's wrong I'm sure, but...//_

  
It seems that ever since gundams were introduced.. the peace had not increased.. yet only decreased.. causing more chaos. He should've never agreed to J and his training.. he should've just ran away...but he cant now...because now... he's stuck. The fate of the colonies and earth is at his hands. He cant run away now. He can only try and fix what's wrong. He can only try... 

  
_//I haven't been here long enough to know   
Every time I feel this I just lose control   
Such a cancer on the face of everything that's beautiful   
I wish that this would just go, go.//_

  
He'd seen pictures. He'd seen pictures of what the earth once was. The Earth was once a breathtaking place. Lush, green forests, serene rivers, flowing peacefully, disturbing nothing. And yet.. they were destroyed. Cities were built over that beauty. More and more cities to hold the overgrowing population of earth. And pretty soon after that.. the earth held no more magnificence. It was a cage, a holder for all the meaningless souls of the world. Even the millions of cities held a bit of grace to themselves. But once the Eve wars started.. many cities were demolished...and even that bit of grace was gone.. and the Earth had nothing to hold onto. 

He dug his nails into the palm of his hand and pounded his fists on the controlls of his gundam. Blood started to drip from his hands onto the controls. '_There shouldn't be wars. There shouldn't be fighting._' He took deep ragged breaths and hung his head, looking at his feet. 

  
_//I feel so alone   
From all I've become//_

  
He was a killing machine. Who could want a killing machine.. who could love one? Not like it mattered anymore... He didn't believe he would really survive the war. Then again, he didnt believe a lot of things.. 

  
_//I'll take you down   
I'll feel so down   
I'm water while you drown   
You're lifted while I'm down   
I'm cancer in your womb   
I'm the needle in your spoon, but... _

I haven't been here long enough to know   
Every time I feel this I just lose control   
Such a cancer on the face of everything that's beautiful   
I wish that this would just go, go.// 

  
He once again stared at his hands, this time, truly stained with blood. His gaze hardened as his mission flooded his mind. 

  
_//Just   
Just   
Just   
Just go   
Go   
Go//_

  
His eyes turned ice cold as he moved his gundam forward, searching for his target. He had a mission. He had to do this. He had to achieve peace.. and he would do this... at whatever the cost.. 

  
  
  
A/N: Blah, i think i did a horrible job on this fic.. but.. *shrugs* it was fun writing anyway.. 

The idea for this songfic wasn't really mine.. but.. who cares? ^^;; I live off of feedback.. so please keep me alive and review! 


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